Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I think I finally found a diet that's really working for me! That's called The Rsing Cost Of Food.

   there a dark web site for black market Q-Tips? These new ones suck.

   Does anyone else have the urge to crank a hog when they enter a theater room?

   I like the word lefticles because not only does it sound like, but is also spelled almost identical to my two favourite things to suck on every night.

   Imbeciles on the left have zero idea that this drop is necessary to lower inflation. It's short term.

   Shout-out to everyone lying in bed just scrolling on their phone.

   Ever spent money so quickly that you felt like somebody stole it?

   Okay, so is Simone Biles done showing us her snatch? Can we please get to the Track & Field competitions now?

   The 13% crowd has traded George Floyd for Kendrick Lamar as their new hero.

   I think I figured it out. F*GA just love getting f*cked up the ass. They love it. Just bent over those barrels screaming "give it to me harder daddy".

   Dear Facebook, stop asking me what's on my mind. We both know it's against community standards.

   I wish they made a KFC scented air freshener so my car wouldn’t smell like Taco Bell all the time.

   Felt uncomfortable driving into the cemetery. The GPS blurted out, "You have reached your final destination".

   I just read a list called "100 Things to do Before You Die". I was really surprised that "Yell for Help" wasn't one of them.

   OK, but in my defense, when my wife told me to "drop a load in the washing machine" her wording was a little ambiguous.

   Marriage tip: When you're in an argument with your wife, just use the phrase "I would agree with you but then we would both be wrong." This will help her realize that you are always correct.

   I'm not homophobic. I'm pro-vagina.

   I spent 15 minutes changing my oil and then 20 minutes strutting around my garage thinking, "Sheeeeyah. I know what I'm doing."

   Spring is here so that means I'm over my seasonal depression and can go back to my regular depression.

   True or False: The people who are the most delusional about how great they think their state is are from New Jersey.