Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Parenting teenage boys is like managing a small, rebellious nation. Negotiations are intense, there's always drama, and you're constantly working to keep the peace. But hey, at least I'm getting real-world experience in crisis management. 🤣🥰😄

   I got my Bettle Juiced at the Denver touring production of Beetlejuice.

   I got an email today from a bored local housewife who said she was looking for some "hot action." So I sent her the ironing

   I sure hope you like your Christmas gift... It's a year's supply of me!

   I just realized why this month is called May. It may rain, it may snow, it may be 70 degrees or it may be 20 degrees.

   Beaver's mother was Barbara Billingsley, you dum@$$!

   I'm working a double shift tomorrow at a restaurant lounge. Since it'll be Valentine's Day, I'm putting a fake engagement ring in every woman's drink who's there with a date.

   How has this economy affected my spending? Well.....Not saying I'm rich or anything.... But I can go to any Dollar Tree and buy like 5 items without having to check the price first.

   Don't rush into a relationship. Be friends first. Maybe they have hotter friends. Thank me later.

   Bikers: Representing the 3rd guy from the left on the evolutionary chart throughout modern history.

   Back in my day they would cut cocaine with baby formula. Nowadays they cut baby formula with cocaine

   My neighbor’s cat got into the booth with me when I was testing my teleportation device and now there’s cat hair all over my genes.

   Not that I expect 100% truth in advertising, but shouldn’t those women in the tampon commercials be wielding chainsaws, laying asphalt, or driving semi trucks and not laughing, swimming and dancing?

   Tip: There should be an observation deck at Walmart

   Cooking for 2 hours just to eat for 10 minutes is the biggest scam in the world.

   You'll hit every cone on the highway before I let you merge in front of me because you saw that sign 2 miles ago like I did.

   Kyle Rittebhouse: "I'm going to Texas A & M" Texas A & M: "No, you're not!" lol

   Someday when scientists discover the center of the universe, a lot of people are going to be disappointed to find out it isn't them.

   heartaches

   Love the deli paper on the doctor’s table. Mmm I’m a sick little sandwich