Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My bank balance is a constant reminder that I'm safe from identity theft.

   I have Borderline Personality Disorder. My personality becomes disordered when illegals cross our borderline.

   I’m not sure what to wear to the living room for New Year’s Eve. I might not even go.

   Told my Cat I was going to teach him English today....He looked up and said... Me? How?

   Do I block the raging drunkard that trolls my page or do I let him ramble so he doesn’t sh00t up his local piggly wiggly?

   Living with my 6-year-old is like living with a firing squad, only it’s questions instead of bullets.

   Since I started yoga I’ve got so flexible I can now bend over far enough to see my toes.

   Pickles are great..until you’re in one.

   Where's the "cheaper groceries and gas" people who trolled lefties online for years about fixing the economy? Where are all the “know it all” neckbeard dads and blond haired moms who voted for him? These losers seemed to have allllllllll disappeared..

   Pissing them off is SOOO f'ing funny lmfaoooo. Fragile little snowflake cupcake Karens who cannot STAND the fact that we scared all of their little red-capped friends away 😂

   The squirrels must be gathering nuts. Four of my neighbors have disappeared.

   My smart mouth always gets me in trouble. And if it's not my mouth, it's my facial expressions.

   Apparently, it's rude to poke someone in the forehead and say, "Skip intro" when they start talking to you.

   Don't you hate it when you start treating someone like they treat you and they suddenly think you're an asshole?

   Coworkers are like Christmas lights. They hang together, half of them don't work and the other half aren't so bright.

   I use a “retirement calculator” every morning before I leave for work to make sure I’m on track financially and I only have 1718 years to go

   Remembering 911 is easy. Remembering the phone number to Luigi's Pizza and Pasta Palace is not.

   How many ears does Captain Kirk have? Three: the left ear, the right ear, and the final front ear . . . 🫢

   Godzilla was the first house flipper.

   There’s nothing horribler than a word that isn’t real.