Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Women always worry about the things that men forget; men always worry about the things women remember

   The gateway to "make up sex" is arguing. Go start a good argument and then give in for the reward.

   Pete Buttigieg couldn't run a go cart track, at Buster Green's Fun Park and Bait Shop.

   Daylight Saving Time.....Sheesh. Gimme a break. Know what? I give it eight months.

   BBL payment plan is crazy. Now you workin yo ass off to pay yo ass off.

   Country music

   I’m the guy at the gym laying face down on the treadmill telling everyone “I’m ok, I’m ok”

   Instead of your New Year resolution centering around smoking and dieting, how about working on not being an asshole?

   Why did God create economists? Because he didn't want meterorologists to be the only people wrong all the time.

   I don't understand the Indian people. They win spelling bees, but can't keep a plane in the air.

   We love Canada. The women aren't nearly as fat, the men aren't nearly as dumb, there are far less kids getting shot in the head at school, and it doesn't smell like sh*t. 🇨🇦

   I'm sitting here wrapping Christmas presents with one hand. If any of you find a Band-aid in your gift, don't touch it.. I'm still waiting on the test results.

   i like butts

   Not sure why Jesus hadn't figured things out when everyone kept calling it the Last Supper.

   How many divorced men does it take to change a lightbulb? No one knows. They never get to keep the house.

   More like your meth smoking mama driving in the left lane on I-95.

   Elon musk is not the richest man in the world. His boss is. Who's his boss? Vladimir Putin

   What had 200 legs and no pubic hair? Front row at a Taylor Swift concert

   The thing with older women is you never know whether you're in the vag or a wrinkle.

   Not to brag but cashier's always check me out.