Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   A Disney fairy tale has the line "And they lived happily ever after". A modern day fairy tale has the line "If elected I promise."

   In my house there's this light switch that doesn't do anything. Every so often I flick it on and off just to check. Yesterday, I got a call from a guy in Germany He said, 'Cut it out.'

   I have an assignment to translate a classic English poem into Spanish. So far I've come up with: Frijoles, frijoles, la fruta del musico. El mas usted consuma, el mas usted sonada breve.

   Dear Santa, I was good at being NAUGHTY. Does that count for anything?

   If rapey Dons name weren't all over the Epstein files? They would have been released un-redacted, printed and bound in $200 special editions signed by him, recorded as an audio book by Mel Gibson and Hulk Hogan with Soundtrack by Kid Rock and Ted Nugent,

   The Backstreet Boys are now doing Downy fabric softener commercials, which means their career is officially over.

   I’m going to start telling women that I’m available for a limited time only in hopes that their shopping instinct kicks in

   Saw a news story today about a woman breaking down in tears getting harassed in a parking lot for driving a cyber truck. Tee hee 🤭

   I am exceptionally proficient with profanity. Some say It’s a gift….I say it’s a curse. Lol

   How does Melania Trump get ready to dance and strip on stage at her new job? She does a line of coccaine.

   Someone's been spreading a rumor that I'm schizophrenic. Well, 3 can play at that game...!

   I call my peeniss Joe Pesci, because I haven't seen that little guy in years.

   One night a Viking named Rudolph the Red was looking out the window when he said ‘It’s going to rain.’ His wife asked, ‘How do you know?’ He replied, ‘Because Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear

   The Disney Channel should be renamed "Celebrity Prehab."

   You know they once made a movie about constipation, but it never came out.

   I have exciting news. Today I used a piece of plywood, that I've kept in my garage since 2003, incase I might need it.

   Alguém poderia me direcionar para um site engraçado de mensagem de status?

   How do I politely ask can I 😋 ur 😼

   Working 5 days a week just to be free for 48hrs just doesn't sit right with me.

   I smell pizza. I think I'm having a Little Seizure