Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   IPA stands for “It’s Pee Actually” and I think that’s beautiful

   A group of Karens was having lunch at a fancy cafe. When they were done eating the waiter came over and asked "Was anything OK?"

   weight loss tip: when ordering a pizza have it delivered to someone else's address

   Any chance of you having an original thought, rather than standing on the shoulders of previous ones, Canuck loser?

   I'm stepping down from my position as an adult. It turns out this isn't for me but I appreciate the opportunity.

   I moved the clock up an hour before I went to bed last night and when I got up this morning it was still 1943

   My smart washer was compromised the S. Union so I couldn’t do laundry today, at least that’s what I’m going to tell her.

   McDonald's is making a deep fried pickle covered in a batter...they are going to call it the Mc Dill Dough.

   Dat funny right dere

   Doctors and scientists agree on the benefits of an afternoon nap, yet still my boss thinks he knows better. Ridiculous.

   For $20 I’ll go to your ex’s profile and comment “the other one was cuter” on their pics

   Pro tip: Save business cards of people you don't like. If you ever hit a parked car accidentally, just write "sorry" on the back and leave it on the windshield.

   My car clock is finally right again. My patience really paid off.

   NASA plans on looking for water on other planets besides Mars..... I would drink water from other planets. I’m not sure about water from Uranus, though .

   Let's face it, your life's probably not all that exciting if you're looking at your phone all the time updating how exciting it is.

   ALDI: "We bring you discounted prices on all your grocery store needs. But, we have to draw the line somewhere, so no plastic bags for you to carry your discounted grocery store needs home."

   The relationship between a husband and wife is psychological. One is psycho and the other is logical.

   That awkward moment when you're absolute SURE you're gonna die after leaning your chair back too far

   Felon47 lost three huge rulings yesterday. 24,000 federal workers return to work in 18 different agencies; The reinstatement of the USAID; trans people can serve in the military..... What a loser hahahahaha

   My patience is basically like a Gift Card. Not sure how much is left on it but we can give it a try.