Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If your hands don’t look like you just delivered a baby after eating ribs, you just didn't eat them right.

   Instead of "lol", try "lsimhbiwfefmtalol". Laughing silently in my head because it wasn't funny enough for me to actually laugh out loud...

   Carmelo Anthony will be judged by a jury of his peers. By peers, they mean niqqers who who compromise 13% of the population yet commit 60% of all violent crimes.

   My home security system is a series of paintings on the wall with all the eyes cut out.

   The worst thing to step on in the dark is someone else's foot when you live alone.

   If you don't like Led Zeppelin, you're some kind of asshole.

   There is no need for Rolling Stones tribute bands. The real Stones are bad enough.

   Did you know that 36% of women are battered ... and all this time ...I've been eating them raw

   What do you call 100 sheep rolling down a hill A lambslide

   Why couldn't Eve have just made Adam a sandwich like other women?

   Got caught by three red lights on my way home and now my avocados are bad

   People say that laughter is the best medicine…your face must be curing the world

   My armpits smell like garlic bread. Me, flirting

   All his old billionaire buddies are starting to turn against him. This is gonna get so good 🍿 When he's finally dead, he's gonna go down as the worst prez in the history of the US.

   So, Howard Stern, Steven Colbert, and Jimmy Kimmel walk into a bar together.

   Despite the old saying, "Don't take your troubles to bed", many men still sleep with their wives.

   Don't judge me by my Facebook posts. I'm much worse in real life because there's no community standards.

   Just for old times sake, I checked in on my Farmville. It's now a Wal-mart.

   WOW, This cold Medina tastes funky

   Now he's complaining about who signed deal to allow Canada to supply energy to the US - it was you, needle**** - in 2018 lmfao