Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Philadelphia has more assholes than any other city.

   The more I study the differences between the Beatles as a group vs their solo careers, the more I realize that the Beatles as a group could have been easily named the George Martin Project.

   has been marked safe from a kiss cam at a major event.

   You can tell a lot about a woman by her hands. For instance, if they are around your throat, she's probably slightly upset.

   Every dang time I'm about to win an argument with my wife, someone wakes me up. .

   Starbucks bathrooms are EXCLUSIVELY for terrible diarrhea, right?

   Anybody ever find out what the knights in white sat in ?

   Once a woman is MENTALLY over you.. IT'S OVER FOR YOU💔😭

   My dog understands several human words. I don't understand any dog barks. He must be smarter than me.

   I figured it out. Instagram is for people who read books but only look at the pictures.

   I like to make lists. I also like to leave them on the kitchen counter and then guess what's on the list while I'm in the store.

   I'm very busy today. So if you could just go ahead and offend yourself for me, that would be great. Thanks!

   Last night my wife asked for peace and quiet while she cooked dinner. So I went and took the batteries out of the smoke detector.

   Hear me out: a Menstrual pad shaped like dinosaurs called The Jurassic Period

   i can promise you I will never love anyone enough to ride a tandem bike with them

   DiGiorno should start delivering, just to screw with people.

   Shake and shake the ketchup bottle; None will come, and then a lot'll.

   As a self-made millionaire and father of 16, I am begging all of you to stop believing everything you read on social media

   The First Amendment is first for a reason. The Second Amendment is just in case the first one doesn't work out.

   If I got paid by the number of idiots I have to deal with at work, I could retire next Tuesday.