Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   OK hear me out on this: a baseball throwing machine, but instead, it shoots out pancakes that you catch with your mouth.

   Her: “Oh my God! Where did you learn to do that with your tongue? Me: “Cadbury eggs.”

   I think calling them maggots is insensitive... they should be referred to as larvasexuals.

   My wife is a s3x object. Every time I want to have s3x, she’ll object.

   Do you have at least 15 tattoos? – final question at interview to work in a kitchen in 2025

   The reason why the NFL doesn't have very many women referees is because they would be too busy bringing up penalties from 10 years ago.

   Rise and shine! What are we melting down about today, lefticles?

   My dong was in the Guinness Book of work Records. But then the librarian asked me to take it out.

   Female bodybuilders are tight, cut, buff, toned and defined. With the face of a man.

   While you're cheering for your favorite NFL team in a publicly funded stadium, how about publicly funding some disadvantaged child's school lunch?

   Disney World is a lot like Viagra. They both make you wait an hour for a two minute ride.

   Milk Duds: When you want some candy but also crave a dislocated jaw

   Whatever you got to do today, do it with the confidence of a 4yr old in a Batman cape.

   It's not the stab in the back that hurts you. It's when you turn turn around and see who's holding the knife.

   I carry moist towelettes in my wallet instead of condoms. I run into Buffalo wings way more than I get sex...

   I just heard a commercial on the radio that said your hair loss has to do with your jeans. I guess that's why I still have all my hair. Because I don't wear jeans.

   You know how old I am? When I was in high school if someone had their underwear sticking up out of their pants we would have given him a snuggie.

   he actually golfing with Sauudi royal family instead of attending the transfer of 4 US soldiers who died in Lithuania? As his BS tariffs are sending stocks PLUMMETING for the second day? He literally doesn't give a damn about us. We've been duped.

   Got pulled over by the cops last night & he asked me if I had a police record. I said, "Yes...'Every Breath You Take' & 'Don't Stand So Close to Me'

   The coffee shop had a sign that said: “No WiFi, pretend it’s 1973!” So, I paid 10 cents for my coffee and lit a cigarette.