Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Take your age and add 5 years to it. That's how old you'll be in 5 years.

   What train system connects Oyster Bay to Mussel Beach? Clamtrak.

   I always carry a pebble with me to throw at people who sing Christmas songs in October. I call it my jingle bell rock.

   Dear single women, please stop saying you should give up and get a cat. If no man wants you, please don't force an innocent cat to live with you.

   Fair warning: If I see anybody wearing a Santa Claus hat before Thanksgiving I'm going to give them a wedgie, whether I know them or not.

   Everyone needs a friend who they shouldn't be allowed to sit next to at a serious function.

   I went to the doctor thinking I might have arthritis, I don't. Turns out I have early onset rigor mortis.

   When I die, I want a crank on the side of my casket that plays the Jack-in-the-Box song just to see who has the guts to crank it.

   Taylor Swift is worth $1.1 billion, yet you imbeciles let her live inside your skulls rent free.

   The boyhood home of Bill Clinton has been designated as a National Historic Site. It's great, but I hope it stops there. Because there are a million places that can say 'Bill Clinton Slept Here

   My ability to remember all of the lyrics from the 80s, Far exceeds my memory of why I just walked into the kitchen..

   Did my taxes and discovered I still owe Ukraine $4000.

   I'm so bored I decided to check out all my female friends' profiles. Some of you have the same boyfriend.

   I see…. and is "Hunter Bidens Laptop” in the room with us right now? now show us on the doll where the laptop touched you?

   If the girl don't Hucktuah,you don't need to talktuah!

   When I was a kid the guy across the street from us was in the Mob,really nice guy too,every morning he would pay me $10 just to start his car for him.

   Had an outline tattoo done on my shoulder and when my friends are sad I let them colour it in Everyone needs a shoulder to crayon…

   Rest assured, when we make fun of him and you? It's not because we're having a meltdown. We don't live in your country. It's because we're laughing at you. And it's funny to watch your reactions here. We're happy he won. It's great comedy. SO funny!

   With the way 2023 has been going I couldn't decide if wanted to sit outside to watch the meteorite shower or take cover.

   When it comes to jokes about elves, I'm a little short.