Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Our entire planet is probably in a tiny glass jar somewhere placed on a shelf in an alien student's classroom as a science fair project that got a C minus.

   If I owned a dog daycare I would call it Deez Mutts

   I SUPPORT MARJORIE TAYLOR GREENE'S CHOICE NOT TO DISCLOSE HER VACCINATION STATUS. THAT'S BETWEEN THE HAIRY PIG AND HER VETERINARIAN. 🐷

   Fast Food drive thru's need a 3rd window, so you can trade in all the wrong items they gave you at the 2nd window.

   Heigh-ho, Heigh-ho. It's off to work I go. I'll make some shills to pay my bills, Heigh-ho Heigh-ho.

   Just so we're clear, aborting a 6-week-old embryo isn't murder, but allowing your 6-year-old to die of measles because you chose not to vaccinate, is. F***king idiots.

   STD:Stop the Donald. Don’t let the disease spread.

   I swear I can feel my brain buffering... please hold while I load my next thought!

   I looked up lighters on Ebay and all I could find was 13,749 matches.

   Ancient proverbs say "Nobody sleeps when the cat's bowl is empty".

   Gonna start lying about my age by adding 20 years so everyone tells me how good I look for my age.

   My idea of camping is a Motel 6 with a broken ice machine and no cable.

   Today's tip: Never accept a drink from a urologist.

   If smoking weed causes short term memory loss then what does smoking weed do?

   Santa put down the pen! I can explain everything!

   Each family member of a gunned down individual gets 24 hours with the culprit, they can't kill him, but they are allowed to water-board him, jam bamboo under his fingernails, you get the idea....Deterrent

   When people dressed like witches, strippers and hobos show up at my front door it must be Halloween because my family reunion was in July. 🤔

   One day I will peel open the plastic film on a yogurt container and not get sprayed in the face with yogurt juice. Today is not that day.

   To get rid of unwanted junk during the holidays, put it in an Amazon box and leave it on the porch.

   Just accidentally swiped right on my ex's profile while scrolling through Tinder. My thumb must have been possessed by the ghost of relationship past. Had to perform some emergency thumb CPR to swipe left!