Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Look. Anyone can make a mistake. When President Trump imposed a 10% tariff on penguins, he innocently thought they were retired nuns.

   Man this guy can't have any friends. Hell, I wish he lived near by just so I could put a knot on his head

   He's 5 steps ahead of you, you orangutan.

   I hate being bi-polar. It's really awesome.

   The difference between superman and I. Superman has super vision ,I require supervision!

   Dear Teenage Pop-Tart taking a picture of yourself wearing a bikini in your bathroom mirror: I do not want to be your friend. Please go away. (Does your mother know you do this?)

   "If you don't stop picking at that thing it'll never heal." -Sound medical advice or an insult to a banjo player

   With subpar graphics and absolutely no plot, TurboTax is, hands down, the worst video game I have ever played

   You want this, you want that. People in heII want ice water.

   I do my part to bring people together by putting “Free BBQ” signs in random yards around town.

   Johnny Depp gets 15 million dollars for being with a nut job. And all these years I've been doing it for free!

   hid some cash in the house for emergencies and now I can’t find it

   Someone said: "what night is the dnc swimsuit comp?" I concur. Would love to see AOC in a swimsuit and ball gag. 🤣

   Jimmy Buffett sat on a tuffet Drinking his Tanqueray When along came a drunkard A pothead had skunkard And folks in Key West are all ghey..

   NOTHING says "party of the everyman" quite like two born-to-riches nepo baby billionaire douchbags selling $80,000 cars on the White House lawn.

   .Everyday I live in constant fear that Columbia House is going to send the repo man to get the LP's I never paid for back in 1973-75.

   What has red hair, big shoes and lives in a test tube? Bozo the Clone.

   Disney has a new movie coming out on Disney + tomorrow. Tinker Tinkerbell meets her brother, Taco.

   You know it's going to be a bad day when your imaginary friend files a restraining order on you.

   What do electric cars and diarrhea have in common? The fear of not making it home.