Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I love finding money in my clothes after wash…..its like a gift from me....to me

   Back to the future was yesterday people hello the 21st not the 22nd retards

   those people in the office with the rolling cart full of everyone's mail....they really push the envelope

   Current life status – By the time I figure out what nostril is plugged, it jumps to the other side.

   "Diddy be giddy cause he be founded not gitty!" - The Ghost of Johnnie Cochran

   I've never seen 'Downton Abbey', but I did see the episode of 'Roseanne' when Becky "cut the cheese" at least 50 times.

   I pay attention to who reacts on my posts, because as soon as I get rich I'm buying you all tacos.

   A man and woman in Idaho became the oldest couple in the world to divorce — they are both 98 years old. It was an ugly breakup too...... She found another woman’s teeth in their bedroom.

   To help reduce cost, this written status was typed in china.

   History Channel: “Travel back to a time before human civilization..” You mean like NOW?

   The Detroit Lions are leading the NFL in wins.

   It's a good thing farting isn't contagious like yawning is.

   I think I'm the only person left that doesn’t vape or own a pair of crocs..

   Don’t tell me what to do, you’re not a donut

   Accidentally called out my dentist's name during my colonoscopy.

   They say you can't turn a Ho into a housewife, but thanks to Only Fans , you can turn a housewife into a Ho . 😉

   Question, Is the speed limit the same if you’re driving in reverse?

   I may not know much, but I know mayo doesn't go on a taco.

   Can't hardly wait for tRumps sentencing day... 😆

   Hey, Dawn. Show us how well you clean dishes. We ain't got no oily duck.