Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My car's a little dirty so one of my co-workers wrote "Wash me" on it. So, I took my key and scratched in, "Touch me up" on his car.

   Well shiver me timbers, tis International talk like a pirate day maties! And if ye ever wonder why pirates don’t shower before walking the plank, tis because the they’ll wash up on shore later!

   Why do we say "half a dozen" when it is easier to say "six"?

   What did the little black boy get for Christmas? My bike.

   13% of the population represented by the media as 50%

   To the person trying to hack my account, I’ve just been sent this verification code: 928377. Hope that helps.

   I wear a Mullet in the Summer to prevent becoming a Redneck. Seems a bit Contradictory.

   Just learnt how a cat yowls on heat. So glad we as humans don’t do it the same way

   party idea: “DUI or IUD?” you can only invite people who have one or both and you CAN’T divulge which

   Having a personal trainer at the gym is like having that bully in school. They still terrorize you, but now they make you do pistol squats before taking your lunch money.

   Time for me to sign up for the hallmark channel for the next two months. there are a lot of white women in fur-lined parkas that I need to watch fall in love

   I don't know if people who wear pajamas in public have given up on life or are living it to the fullest.

   I had White Castle for dinner tonight. It was so good my butt gave them a big blowout review.

   I bought some powdered water but I don't know what to add

   Now that I think about it, I don’t believe Arnold Schwarzenegger and Danny Devito were twins at all

   Christmas and Thanksgiving should be at least 6 months apart. It's insane to see these people again so soon. Absurd.

   what would happen if you're scared half to death twice?

   They should sell liver sandwiches at baseball games to complete the misery of the entire experience.

   I told my wife that before the dogs and I go out, she needs to give us the 3rd Degree. Because at least 3 degrees is warmer than what ever it is currently in the Tundra called the midwestern U.S.

   - 2018 starts with a full moon - 2018 is the year of the dog I’m onto you, werewolves.