Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   wondering what the weather's like in India. I think I'll call my bank and find out..🙂

   Seriously though, how do Gremlins know when it’s after midnight?

   OK. Who decided to call it an allergist and not an antisneeziologist?

   Hey guys, lets confuse the girls..245/35R18

   Look at it this way. Swift can now go back to doing what she does best... indoctrinating little 9 year old girls into becoming future man-haters.

   My new SUV has a button " rear wiper"..I'm afraid to push it.....

   I learn from the mistakes of people who took my advice.

   Procrastination really is a good thing. You always have something to do tomorrow, plus you have nothing to do today.

   First rule of family gatherings: Always bring your own vehicle so you can leave whenever you want.

   My neighbor lady has been married so many times she has rice marks on her face..

   I have an open door policy at our house. You bring beer and I'll open the door.

   I met a woman outside the mall crying, she lost $200, so I gave her $40 from the $200 I found. When God blesses you must bless others.

   Trying to get used to this new AI app that's supposed to correct your grammar but it's changing stuff without my permission and I'm starting to think that it has a mind of its PAY NO ATTENTION TO THIS MAN. ARTIFICIAL INTELLIGENCE IS HARMLESS.

   Trump says he’s all about fresh starts for the New Year—except for his hairline, that stays the same.

   Beginning Monday, all you queerdos can go back in the closet.

   You know, while we’re at it, don’t look directly at me today either.

   I once dated a woman who wore crotchless underwear. After our 3rd date, she said, "Hey, big boy. You want some of this?" I said, "Heck no. Look what it did to your underwear!"

   neurosurgeon: *removes my brain to blow on it and put it back in*

   The phrase "I've got gas", used to be met with disgust. Nowadays, it's met with envy.

   This is a special status. Only people who are sex deprived can read this status.