Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Sometimes I call the number listed on missing dog posters and just bark

   Miracle birth AND resurrection! No, not Jesus. Frosty the Snowman.

   The death of Meat Loaf drew way more attention than the death of Louie Anderson. Today's society even plays favorites with fat guys.

   The wax of the universe, eats the crazy cows, and then goes to the road to serve a lunch where the mothers giggle when the husband wears a short skirt and acts like a waitress.

   Talk about blatantly forcing yourself on El Paso.

   ..... Congratulations Redblacks!!! ...... Wait a minute .... What the heck is a Redblack? ..... Answer: Another Underdog ..... Who just won the Grey Cup!!! ..... OK .... It's the Canadian (People that live north of the US) ..... version of the Superbowl.

   My sister just walked in from the pool wearing her new bathing suit...a dyed black parachute.

   Nothing works harder than my sports bra when I’m chasing the ice cream truck.

   Took the Plan-B with a RedBull. Make sure this baby get its wings.

   Fred Flintstone: Hey, was that an insult? Gazoo: Well, if the shoe fits... Barney Rubble: What's a shoe?

   Technically, your stomach thinks all potatoes are mashed.

   I left my heart in San Francisco. Last I heard it was living in Tent City with a pimp named Tiny Johnson.

   Wondering if life is easier when you're totally insane? I'm about halfway there and I want to know if I need to speed up or slow the hell down!

   I’ve never considered myself a social butterfly. More like a social wasp. People run away a lot.

   So, like... where's God hiding while this Middle East conflict rages on?

   Dear Santa! Listen here! I'll keep eating my deer jerky while you give me what I want for Christmas or Rudolph is next. Make it happen fat man!

   Starting a new band called the Shania Twainsaw Massacre.

   The attendees at classic rock concerts are getting so old that I have to make sure I'm at a music venue instead of the Early Bird Special at Denny's.

   Her: pour some sugar on me Me: but there are bees out though

   ANOTHER DAY has passed by and I still HAVEN’T USED a²+b²=c²