Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I don't hate you but I'd pay to see you take a Trailer hitch to the shin !

   I left my heart in San Francisco. Last I heard it was living in Tent City with a pimp named Tiny Johnson.

   Wondering if life is easier when you're totally insane? I'm about halfway there and I want to know if I need to speed up or slow the hell down!

   I’ve never considered myself a social butterfly. More like a social wasp. People run away a lot.

   So, like... where's God hiding while this Middle East conflict rages on?

   Dear Santa! Listen here! I'll keep eating my deer jerky while you give me what I want for Christmas or Rudolph is next. Make it happen fat man!

   Starting a new band called the Shania Twainsaw Massacre.

   The attendees at classic rock concerts are getting so old that I have to make sure I'm at a music venue instead of the Early Bird Special at Denny's.

   Her: pour some sugar on me Me: but there are bees out though

   ANOTHER DAY has passed by and I still HAVEN’T USED a²+b²=c²

   I'm skipping the house-building stage, saving time and effort. I'm just gonna eat all the gingerbread and frosting first. Yum!

   He didn’t back down on anything. 70+ countries have reached out to negotiate trade deals, which is exactly what he wanted. Those countries have had tariffs limited to only 10% for 90 days pending a negotiation.

   To borrow a biblical term, couldn’t the quest for a Covid-19 vaccine be called “the road to de-mask us?

   Ladies and Gentleman, I’ve traveled a long way, crossed many bridges, fought my way through countless obstacles, all to bring you this one sad truth about life. There’s never enough beer.

   Stressed spelled backwards is desserts . . . . It all makes sense now

   First rule of family gatherings, always bring your own vehicle so you can leave when you want.

   Aliens traveled millions of light years to get here to visit New Jersey.

   My wife asked me what new hairstyle she should get, so I held my breath until I passed out.

   My neighbors were up shouting all night. It got so bad I could barely hear my Bagpipes.

   Summer: Hair gets lighter. Skin gets darker. Water gets warmer. Drinks get colder. Music gets louder. Night gets longer. Life gets better. Wait... what? The humidity? Kindly disregard all.