Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My New Years resolution is to try and put less than 5 chapsticks through the washer & dryer next year.

   We should have staff meetings in the garden. The plants would love the fertilizer- Joe's Chief of Staff.

   Does putting ketchup on everything affect your credit score?

   Remember when we woke up in the morning and the economy was stable, we didn’t deport the wrong people and the world respected us? Yeah, I miss those days too.

   Washing my wifes laundry! Does that count as making her panties wet.

   TSA is no longer going to use that scanner that shows passengers in the nude. They made an executive decision Today after the View Cast boarded a flight at LAX.

   The only people who don't want the Redkins to go back to being called the Redskins are ghey sissies who don't watch the game in the first place.

   TikTok. Exemplifying the devolution of mankind one imbecilic post at a time.

   I am the reason why Santa has a naughty list.

   Proud to be the guy that got my local park to introduce a “Don’t barbecue the ducks” rule.

   I'm so happy college football is back. Where else can one enjoy such blatant one sidedness and win money on the outcome?

   If you're going to post before and after pics of your weight loss journey, the least you can do is post the pic of you gaining it all back.

   How will people learn from their mistakes without other people to tell them "I told you so"?

   Ask your doctor if your dominant hand is right for you

   I’m like a siren of the sea, except I lure my victims by smelling like garlic bread

   The best trick to ordering pizza is asking them not to cut it. By law, they can only charge you for one slice.

   How did we miss the opportunity to call "bleaching your butthole" "changing your ring tone"?

   I just got a full tank of gas for $22. Granted it was for my lawn mower but I am trying to stay positive.

   This Just In: Jimmy Carter to skip Trump Inauguration.

   It's funny, Trump is the only president that could ever become the worst president in history and then surpass being the worst president in history by being the worst president in history. Literally outdoing himself. That's some achievement!