Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If Adam and Eve were Chinese, we would still be in paradise because they would have ignored the apple and eaten the darn snake.

   As a Social Networking Expert, I have evaluated your social media activity and your status updates. My conclusion: You're all crazy.

   My wife is always like, “You answer the door, I don’t even have my bra on!” and for that reason, I have stopped wearing a bra.

   A measles outbreak? Weird. You'd think in this day and age, they'd have invented something to protect against that.

   Got fired from the petting zoo for giving the rabbits birth control.

   The way they're sending civilians into space nowadays is one small step for man one impossible leap for anyone who doesn't have a million dollars who'd like to go.

   When I'm in a good mood I act like I'm I'm in a bad mood so nobody approaches me and ruins my good mood..

   Marriage tip: When your wife asks what's on TV, do not say dust.

   Women go for bad boys then wonder why they get hurt, afterwards the good guys are forced to repair a broken heart they didn't even cause...

   i named my son “max” after hbo max, what am I gonna tell him in five years? it’s been hard enough already with his sister quibi

   I think my wife is hallucinating..... She keeps telling me she's seeing other people

   I’m going to start a Metal band and only sing about things that make me rage, like when a spatula gets stuck in a drawer and I can’t open it

   Filled up my Escalade and paid my taxes today. Also, I have a kidney for sale.

   Probably switching from Verizon. Sent my wife a text saying “I’m your lover forever and I owe you all my affection” and their stupid autocorrect changed it to “I have liver failure and I owe you all my affliction”

   What exactly is meant by a "Digital Creator"? Sharing the same boring memes we've all seen a million times?

   Remember when times were precedented.

   Pro tip: Fill the piñata with ketchup and you'll never have to host a children’s birthday party again. You’re welcome.

   Where there is smoke..,,, there are Hezbollah operatives. BOOM! #Skyline of Beirut

   I don’t have a status today, I have a concept of a status though

   Everything I know about dancing I learned from the Charlie Brown Christmas play