Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Just got another text from my ex-wife saying "wish you were here" she does this every time she walks pass a cemetery

   Right and wrong are not for sure The castle made of sand will fall One thing is certain Heart and heart

   I was watching a TV Show about the Top Ten ways to avoid a shark attacking. I'm surprised "stay out of the water" wasn't one of them.

   Why do they keep interrupting the commercials with a football game

   Never seen anyone jogging and smiling, so that’s all I need to know about that..

   Last night I reached for my liquid Viagra and accidentally swigged from a bottle of whiteout.... I woke up this morning with a huge correction.

   Will this raise the price on a Chinese massage parlor

   If Pope Francis reappears in 3 days, I don't know what to tell you.

   Come on be funny again

   CUSTOMER SERVICE NEEDED IN THE LIQUOR DEPARTMENT -My husband: please stop yelling that from the couch

   Rubbing coffee grounds on your body makes your skin glow but it also gets you kicked out of Starbucks.

   If I were a stormtrooper, I would throw gum in Chewbacca’s fur.

   Yeah, yeah. You're not supposed to wear white after Labor Day, but they're my arms and legs and I can't leave them at home.

   Okay, we got the message. The guy from 'Friends' died.

   If universal background checks and red flag laws create an insurmountable barrier to you owning a firearm, then you are the person we are worried about

   The best password cracking software is a pissed off ex.

   In honor of Canada Day, I drank some Tim Horton's coffee this morning. But we still don't like your geese.

   Might start wearing turtlenecks so that when I want someone to stop talking to me, I can just unroll the neck up over my face

   Music is the universal language. Humor is the universal salve.

   Most of you are 10s because of inflation.