Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My favorite childhood memory is fast metabolism

   Think I have more human interaction with people on Craigslist that I do on social media sites.

   As a sign of respect, I will now be ending all me sentences with the word "Jack". Good for me, Jack!

   If you’re trying to lose weight but you’re starving, eat a banana. I’ve had 73 of them today

   When this pandemic is over I still want some of you to stay away from me.

   By the age of 30 you should have a collection of grocery bags that you store in a grocery bag.

   Why did God make Adam before Eve? To give Adam a chance to speak.

   If tariffs are so bad, why does the rest of the world impose them on the U.S.?

   Remain calm. at least we have a great leader now as opposed to sleepy

   Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. "If you liked it, then you should’ve put a ring on it"

   did not wake up this morning. I came to.

   For everyone out there struggling with self-worth, just know that there are people out there that care. It sure as hell isn't me, but someone does.

   Remember when teachers used to say, "You won't have a calculator everywhere you go?" Well, we showed them.

   Welcome to Facebook. Please be patient - someone will disagree with you shortly.

   A person who wastes your time is called a clock sucker.

   You would think that after 8 years of yelling at her dog, my neighbour would have learned that the dog doesn’t understand English. Try Spanish, you imbecile.

   It's beginning to feel a lot like, I'm gonna start wishing it was summer.

   It takes a very special idiot to drive the worlds largest economy off a cliff in 7 weeks

   I had to fire my fruit delivery driver. I felt bad for letting the mango but he was driving me bananas.

   The Sopranos would've been better without Carmela, Carmela's parents, Meadow, Meadow's friends and Jean Cusamano.