Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Hey MWC, What about your pinis? Don't you feel bad about beating the only thing that ever stood up for you!!??

   Why don't people who drive under the speed limit get ticketed like people who drive over the limit? It says "limit"

   At 51, I've realized that if I don't get enough sleep, I'm an asshole during the day. If I get too much sleep, I'm still an asshole, but happy!

   If I subscribe to Amazon Prime, does that mean that I'm "in my prime" ?

   I turned off spell check because I was tired of all my jokes getting urined.

   Why aren't people on the "Truth Social" forum these days??? Are people turned off from the word "Truth"?

   It’s sad that a few fake Nigerian princes have ruined it for all the good Nigerian princes who are just looking to wire 24 million dollars.

   I avoid eye contact like everyone is trying to sell me $20 fundraiser popcorn.

   My ex just texted me, "Wish you were here". She does that every time she walks through a cemetery.

   My roomba just beat me to a Cheeto that I dropped on the floor. This is how the war against machines begins.

   If a liars pants really did catch on fire, watching the news would be a lot more fun!

   My new credit card has this awesome theft protection where it just says “declined” whenever you use it.

   I judge how safe an area is by the number of lit letters on the Waffle House sign.

   It’s time to play “Is My Kid Hugging Me or Cleaning His Nose or Both?”

   According to my wife I’m the best at driving over every pothole when she has to pee.

   I have the answers to the ethics test if anyone needs them

   Is it too early to start drinking? – some moron with a clock.

   The Mets are moving the fences in to increase home runs they hit. Call me old fashioned but isn't that what steroids are for?"

   I'm already beginning to feel unburdened by what has been.

   Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her "He's busy" and then switch off the cell phone.