Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Don't let a gerbil talk you into anything you don't want to do

   I find it ironic that I have to use my driver's license to buy stuff that impairs my ability to drive.

   Bugs Bunny won't accept files through Google Drive. He'll only accept a WhatsApp doc.

   I hate who I was when I packed a healthy dinner to bring to work

   I try my best to be a thoughtful husband. So, I'm gonna surprise my wife with a new bag and belt for Christmas ! The old vacuum cleaner is gonna run like new now .

   Protip: If your wife says the cord on the vacuum cleaner is too short, it doesn’t mean she’s asking for an extension cord for her birthday.

   There should be a reality show where flat-earthers search for the edge of the world.

   Tip for lower back pain: injure your neck to take your mind off it.

   Elon Musk should change Twitter's name to MySpaceX.

   if evolution doesn’t exist explain pokémon to me.

   Sandstorms? Nahson.. It's called, crunchy sandwiches for a week

   BLOND: How much does that microwave cost? MANAGER: Sorry, we don't sell to blondes. BLOND: How did you know I was a natural blond? MANAGER: Because that's a TV.

   Yom Kippur: Hebrew for, "We atone for our sins today, which we will commit again tomorrow." Catholic Confession: "Ditto."

   Natalie woods told Robert Wagner, "You haven't got me wet in years", he said, "oh yeah, watch this".

   HOT SINGLE GRANNIES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOU TO LOOK AT HOW TALL YOU’VE GOTTEN

   Boomers. A generation of hypocrites who were anti-money and anti-government in their hippie days, but became the exact opposite when they got older.

   Fitted sheet? You should see me try and fold a thong.

   Last night, I spent 15 minutes at a party waiting for a man to move closer to a woman he was hitting on so I could reach behind him for Fritos

   It's easier to fool people than to convince them that they have been fooled. Joe B is an example.

   My dry lips are burning. How can I let you know more beautifully that I am asking for the loving touch of your lips .. !!