Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   i bet there’s a couple seconds on that medieval torture stretcher rack where it feels incredible

   A bee is willing to end it’s own life just to cause you a tiny amount of pain. I can relate to that level of pettiness.

   The world is finally divided into two clear groups: The vaccinated ones waiting for the non-vaccinated to die, and the non-vaccinated waiting for the vaccinated to die.

   Me, on phone to credit card company: What if you just break my kneecaps and we call it even? thanks

   I Love it when my pets sigh, like whats ails you my little freeloader 😄

   I'd like to be a nudist but we just don't have the weather for it

   Sometimes late at night I like to send prostitutes to my neighbors just to see if they let them in

   Where do I sign to get micro-chipped and controlled by the government, I'm tired of making my own decisions

   There. Summer is over. Hope you're happy you pumpkin spice loving psychos.

   I had a peanut butter sandwich on white bread with no jelly and nothing to drink. Long story short: I'm at the ER getting treated for Lockjaw.

   Elon Musk is out of control. And we love it.

   When someone tells me a joke and I don't get it, I just say, "Ooh, man. Too soon."

   We live in a " paper straw wrapped in plastic" kind of world. It's all stupid

   I accidentally took my cats meds this morning... Don't ask meow.

   Tip of the Day: Always Remember This: You don't stop laughing because you grow old; you grow old because you stop laughing!

   My only real goal in life is to fart loud enough to trigger a car alarm.

   Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew up.

   I'm all for LGBTQ: Lasagna, Gyros, Bacon, Tacos, Quesadillas.

   When a police car circles around to go after the criminal, how do you know it's a police car? .... It just did a donut

   Remember when Tom Brady threw a pick six in Super Bowl LI then gave up? Yeah, neither does anyone else...