Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The kids keep laughing about my memory. they won't be laughing to long when there's no eggs under the tree.

   sandalwood what a man gets if he’s unusually turned on by a pair of his own open-toed shoes?

   if sunflower oil is made of sunflowers and vegetable oil is made of vegetables, whats baby oil made of?

   You can fear God all you like. Me, on the other hand, will be friends with God.

   Whenever I see a Facebook profile shared by a man and woman, I wonder which of the two has the the tightest vajayjay.

   I’ve decided to raise my kids gender neutral. Not because I’m embracing any LGBTLMNOP agenda but more because I like buying stuff on sale.

   When I was a kid, the term "gaslighting" didn't involve playing mind games. It involved a Bic lighter and farting.

   Which vaccine is the one with extra microchips in it? Cuz I wanna be able to control my appliances with my mind.

   Happy birthday to Kmart. And as always, thank you for the awesome suits.

   Every time there's a massive Powerball jackpot I'm a winner, by not playing and saving $2.

   The reason why hurricanes are normally named after women is because when they come they're wild and wet, but when they go they take your house and car.

   Pfizer Claims Its Covid Vaccine Effective Against Nuclear Reaction Too.

   I went into business with my parents and siblings. Our tagine is "Dysfunctional Family Owned and Operated."

   Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes

   Based on the sounds coming from my neighbors’ house, they’re either having amazing sex or putting together a dresser from Ikea.

   Happy Father's Day to all ads.... Except to those who can't drive a manual. Happy Mother's Day!

   came home the other night, my wife was standing there in the bedroom. She walked over & said "Take off my shirt" I did. She said "take off my bra" I did. Then she leaned over & said in my ear "Please stop wearing my clothes

   If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.

   Trans people need help.

   If any Disney execs are reading this, call me. I’ve got an idea for a Star Wars spin off. It’s called Paul Darth, Maul Cop.