Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The police chief found Waldo dead in his apartment from a self-inflicted gun shot wound. Maybe instead of us asking "Where's Waldo?", we all should have been asking "How's Waldo?"

   Math back in the day: 2x+4=10. Find X Math today: If Karen buys 16.5 hamsters, but four of them eat each other, and two spontaneously combust, how many carrots will it take for them to shut up and let me sleep?

   If she witnessed you pull start the lawn mower in one go, she's already pregnant

   If you're alone and sad for Valentine's Day, to make you feel better just remember that for the love of a woman Saint Valentine was imprisoned then beat to death with clubs :-)

   My whole problem with Facebook is I say what's on my mind. Like I'm doing now for instance.

   US auto workers demand to be replaced by American robots, not those damn Mexican el robots.

   I didn't get the president's alert test tex, but I did get a tex, two big macs, fish filet, large fry, large diet coke.

   I went to the Doctors and he said I'd better start watching what I eat..... So I've bought two tickets for the Grand National!! :)

   @comediancoolaid: I didn't know I was single untill I was wit this chic and her phone rang and she told me to be quiet.

   Gas is so cheap now that Porter Ranch is giving it away!

   Nothing says I'm the boss while driving like the horn in a foreign car.

   Went for a swim b*tch'ed slaped a whale, handcuffed lighting threw thunders @$$ in jail

   I put my phone in airplane mode and it immediately broke into pieces and crashed on the floor.

   Yesssssss!!!!! A recession is coming!!!! This is the greatest day of my life!

   ur mom gay

   3-in-1 shampoo/conditioner/KFC gravy

   I love these commercials showing caring farmers who are concerned over the way they humanely raise chickens. Only to kill them in the end.

   Are we sure Queen Elizabeth's death was "natural causes" and not Reggie Jackson finishing what he started?

   My wife basically has two problems: Nothing to wear and not enough closet space.

   Oops! I left the curtains open. Now my neighbors know what my junk looks like pressed up against the window with a flashlight aimed at it.