Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Opening a Game of Thrones-themed restaurant called "Daenerys Served"

   I'm very confused. I just saw a commercial asking for food donations to feed the poor on a tv show where a guy eats a 5 lb buritto...

   I think I'm going to attatch a Radio Flyer to the back of my Kick-N-Go and ride to the grocery store to buy some grocerys... just so I can see the peoples expressions as I go bye.

   I bet it's called "getting some strange" because you can get strange!

   Why was the snowman smilimg? Because he saw the snowblower coming his way.

   My cooking is so good even my smoke alarm comments on it.

   Me no study, me no care, me go marry a millionaire. If he die, me no cry, me go marry another rich guy.

   Respect cost you nothing.....but disrespect can cost you your mfn life

   During drought season, I consider a paper bag, and good make up for ugly chicks to wear in bed

   The name "conservative". What are we actually conserving? Food?

   This ashes to ashes dust to dust thing is why I always carry around a can of Lemon Fresh Pledge with me.

   There’s more than one way to skin a cat but I don't think the cat will like any one of them.

   One good thing about being a Amazon delivery driver is you can impress women by telling them your company provides you with a Mercedes-Benz.

   Only here can a basketball player be hated beyond belief just because he has a different opinion than ours.

   I picked up good pizza and took it to Little Caesars to show it what happens to bad pizza.

   I gotta stay off indeed .. I got a interview at 5:30 to be a pastor

   Women to say one thing, but think something different. Don’t believe me? Women say Lizzo is amazing. Tell a woman she looks like Lizzo to see what she really thinks.

   Tip of the Day: Get your Drivers License picture taken when you're drunk, that way when you get pulled over and you're actually drunk, the cop will look at your picture and think you look normal.

   The Supreme Court has ruled that anybody can be strip-searched for any kind of arrest. That's something to think about the next time you bring 15 items into a 10-item-or-less lane.

   I remember when it was just limbo dancers asking “how low can you go?”, now it seems like everyone in the news wants to answer that.