Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   There are two different kinds of screaming...If you scream in a library, people just look at you funny. If you scream on an airplane, everyone joins in

   Talking to some people is as frustrating as trying to eat applesauce with chopsticks.

   I have a concrete strip on my front lawn painted to look like a slip n slide and every summer 10 to 15 kids learn a valuable lesson on it.

   Cooking Tip #142: If you use a good quality olive oil in a shallow non-stick pan, it will help the Kale to slide off much faster into the garbage can where it belongs....

   Question, If I sued someone for making me deaf, would a court grant me my hearing?

   I hope in my next life I come back as a McChicken so men will look at me lovingly and also settle for me out of desperation

   My brain is like a greenhouse, it has a terrible groundskeeper.

   There are three sides to every argument: Your side, the other guy's side, and the correct side.

   Make Tuesday fun at work today........If you glue a dead wasp to your palm, you can smack your boss on the back of the head as hard as you want and act like you saved him.

   If Jada Smith can't take a joke over Alopecia then that's hair loss.

   Just when I am about to give up hope for society, I see a little old lady smile and give up her seat for a pregnant man.

   Forget about the past, you can't change it. Forget about the future, you can't predict it. Forget about the present, I didn't get you one...

   I've always wondered if jellyfish are sad because there are no peanut butter fish.

   I’m pitching a show called “Walking Dad” where dads go around biting each other and then the people who get bitten become dads too.

   You may be the sole purpose in life to serve as a warning to others.

   I sent a ninja to your house to steal your cookies!

   Father’s Day just keeps getting bigger every year, thanks to DNA testing.

   Ashli Babbit on vaccines: "I got my shot, now go get yours".

   Oh! Oh! Oh!" ~Dyslexic Santa

   It’s that time of year when the neighbors start longing for winter days because they’re tired of seeing me at the mailbox in my drawers.