Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   screw it let’s just name every sports team after colored socks

   what does it sound like when a pterodactyl uses the restroom? ....the pee is silent

   Until my orange messiah says he doesn't like Putin anymore, me and my people will continue to love him and his actions.

   Apparently it is rude to poke someone in the forehead and say "Skip intro" when they start talking to you.

   Woman: *being eaten by a Werewolf* My god, they’re right. Your hair IS perfect!

   Vegans have an issue with killing animals, but are a-ok when it comes to abortion.

   This new deodorant label said "remove cap and push up bottom". Now my armpits still stink and my buttcheeks burn, but every time I pass gas the room smells like Old Spice...

   she is never yours, its just your turn.

   Congress is so strange. Someone gets up to speak, says nothing, nobody listens, then everyone disagrees.

   I died for your sins. Now suck my ding dong! -Jesus

   Cat scratch covid fever!

   My mom took a picture of me in 1983 using a camera with a flashcube and the light in my eyes just stopped flashing.

   As a funeral director, I always tie the shoe laces together of the deceased.The zombie apocalypse will be hilarious.

   If global warming was causing guns to melt, we'd all be driving electric cars within two weeks.

   Not trying to brag or make anyone jealous, but I can still fit in the same sized gloves I wore in high school...

   The reality is that there is NO reasonable alternative to evolution in science. At least not a version of “science” which does not glean its facts from a book written thousands of years ago by primitive desert people.

   McDonald's is the only restaurant I know that repeats everything you said and still gives you the wrong order. 🙀

   Tonight I will be visited by 3 "Spirits"............. Rum, Vodka, and Gin.

   My neighbors still have their Christmas wreath on the door. I was gonna knock to complain, but I don’t like confrontation so I just took it.

   “Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.