Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Don't accept a friend request from Dan Druff. I hear he's a bit flaky!

   I can't wait for 'Truth Social' to become bigger than Twitter.

   I identify as a threat. My pronouns are Try / Me.

   So, where are the "Why does the military only get one day" people? I mean surely if its important and they care, surely theyd mention it in the last 3 months, right?

   Britney's free and we could start dating now!

   Marriage tip: Ladies, keep your husband on his toes by randomly asking him "Are you listening to me?" That way you always have his full attention.

   How to save money on snacks at a theater: Have the self-discipline to sit still for an hour and a half without eating.

   One more week left to drive recklessly in school zones

   Life pro tip #366: Never make a midnight snack in the dark. A peanut butter and salsa sandwich taste exactly how it sounds

   Pop two more balloons and we win a stuffed animal... Which ironically, is also made in China...

   If I hug you for more than 3 seconds, I’m probably picking your pockets.

   Does anyone know if you can declare Congress and the Senate as dependents when filing taxes this year?

   I have a small request. Would you IiberaIs go f yourselves? Thanks.

   Seems to me that UFOs may just be billionairs from other planets?

   Pro cooking tip: Serve a super bold, spicy red wine before dinner to cover up how badly you over seasoned the food. The best defense is a good offense.

   You think the world-wide pandemic was bad? Wait until the world-wide food shortage starts! It's all about control...

   I’m embarrassed to live in a world that’s allowed 9 fast and furious movies

   Do beavers even know what they're doing? Or do they just see water flowing down a river and think, "Absolutely not!"

   i find it ironic that when you go to the usps website to complain, they tell you to email them

   When I was a kid, the term "gaslighting" didn't involve playing mind games. It involved a Bic lighter and a fart.