Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I stubbed my toe on the bedpost that immediately set off my Tourette Syndrome.

   If Uranus had a country called Europe, you'd be European from Uranus.

   I mean I know I got the vaccines and all, but I used to eat a lot of 7/11 hot dogs, so I was swimming in antibodies long before the shots.

   Wanted: One (1) flat earther to be my friend so I can talk to you when I’m down and you can tell me my belly is actually flat. No weirdos please.

   QAnon Shaman? More like QAnon Virgin.

   WAP when I’m involved is likely to be Waffles and Pancakes

   Up for anything unless my gout flares up. – from my dating profile

   A new study just came out that shows that hurricanes named after women are more deadly. Mainly because when they leave, they take half your stuff.

   I’ve never wrestled an alligator but I have retrieved something from my toddler’s mouth.

   Did the dinosaurs on the Flintstones know that they could eat the people instead of working for them?

   I think Presidential elections should be quick.... not wait until November.... If I have an election that lasts longer than four hours, I call the doctor.

   To all the injured rioters out there—might want to apply a little ICE to those wounds!

   Why do ballerinas always stand on their toes? They should hire taller ballerinas...

   Wondering how can I get my wife the perfect Valentines gift when she already has me.

   A new study shows that drinking two to three coffees a day can lower the risk of heart problems. Because who has time for heart problems when they have constant daytime stress diarrhea?

   The world would be a much better place if everyone grew vegetables instead of electing them.

   Have they released any official figures yet on how many lives were saved by taping arrows on the floors of supermarket aisles?

   Why do I have to grow up? ..Isn't it enough that I've learned how to behave in public?

   I’m creating a new perfume for introverts. It’s called: Leave Me The Fu Cologne.

   When I order something online and there's a "Delivery Notes" box I put "Cross moat, Slay dragon, Leave item on back porch."