Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If I were to quit my job today and become a psychic, I would advertise with a sign that reads, “Voted best psychic of 2017!

   Selena: *Trying to Rest In Peace* Her parents: get up you got a gig 🤪🤦🏻🤣

   "When covid Is over" Is starting to sound like "when the Dealls Cowboys win the Super Bowl.

   Wonder if the Kentuky error was made while he was eating some chicken from a bucket of Kentucky chicken.

   No one used to watch the pro-bowl or the NFL draft, This year the inflation of the Super Bowl footballs will probably be on pay-per-view.

   If one more person posts "The thrill is gone" or "The Edge fell off the edge" I'm gonna scream. #sheeple

   Suarez must be on a diet. He didnt bite anyone..*Dissapointed*

   What valuable lesson did you learn from the chubby white B-list comedian on the stool?

   gonna try out a new yoga position alone in my bed tonight it's called the bermuda cryangle

   how are OCD ppl made? a German person gets with a British person to make a baby so the baby is "Germish"

   Kant Know Anything West aka Kanye West

   I LOVE THE DARK SIDE. They have cookies.

   A parody idea for Closing Time by Semisonic....Clothing Time..."You don't have to go home but you can't stay here"..

   Old expression modification Notice . : .. In addition to netflix and chill, doing Coffee and Cream ;) Has been approved That is all .

   Judge me because I stole it off my daughter’s night stand.

   They need to create an app to let you know if someone is a freak. I mean crazy for those thinking nasty. Get your mind out the gutter

   Auto Mechanic: Well, looks like you blew a seal. Penguine Eating Icecream: *Wips beak with flipper* Oh, no. That's just vinalla ice cream.

   I have a swimmer's body: A whale.

   My doctor says I only have one diabete.

   People who say stuff like "everyday is a new day" are also the same fools who say sh*t like "apples are fruits" and "women are humans"