Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Hello I am new user and I would to ask you, How to disable a pm?

   You know you are getting old when you can remember Tom Sellick’s first rodeo

   Apparently I am turned on when me boss wears a short skirt. I found that out the hard way.

   I'm in the checkout isle and the guy behind me is smirking. What I'm buying: Hamster food, prunes, Vaseline and toilet paper. So I mouth 11pm?

   You burn more calories chasing after your cat than you get from eating it. It's the celery of pets.

   Daylight Savings Time: I say start it on Sunday at 3 am, instead of 2 am. That way it's easier to remember to set clocks ahead "four-ward".

   Opening a restaurant calling it: New Pho, Who Dish?

   70% of Facebook users have a Girlfriend/Boyfriend/Married… LIKE if you love food.

   I just got a new smartphone with a app installed on it that tells you which of your friends spend to much time starring at their phones who are in need a social life that's called facebook.

   80% of corporate employees are suffering from AIDS ? Appraisal & Increment Deficiency Syndrome

   When Luke Skywalker yells "Get to the walker now!" it has a whole new meaning.

   Panzerband. Duct Tape. Klebebänder. Papierklebeband. Alle Sorten. Malerkrepp. Malerfolie. Doppelklebeband. Teppichband. Schaumklebeband. Alu-Band, Alu-Klebeband. Werkzeug. Hochwertige Waren vom Produzent. Fabrikverkauf. Versand am gleichen Tag

   In your face! They are now known as The Exonerated Five now. No matter what your God says, that will never change.

   Both corn and beer looks the same on the way in as they do on the way out.

   I've never had a DUI. Bet you can't steal this status lmao

   The first person to make a Kenny Roger's Roasters cremation joke is gonna get a swift... never mind. It's me.

   Hasn't been a lot of UFO sightings lately which makes me wonder if everyone staring down at the phones has anything to do with that?

   There is no pain you are receding. Britney Spears,

   Its kinda awkward seeing Chris Brown dance around after seeing him naked...

   Google where is my girlfriend? I can't find her!