Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   He even fixed the ice cream machine 🍦

   I need the type of burger that you’d hide from your life insurance company

   Who called it a hive for bees to live and not a site to beehold?

   I'm surprised McAfee & Norton didn't get a piece of the vaccine action.

   Now, show me on the doll where Hunter Bidens Laptop touched you...

   How come when someone is missing the media makes them out to be a saint? Why not just say 'yeah their a jerk but lets find them anyway?'

   Vaccinated or not, Please during these late summer days, wear deodorant. (and stay out of the left lane)

   I bought some potting soil on Sale. You might say it was "dirt cheap".

   If we're going to have a whole month dedicated to one of the Seven Deadly Sins, I would rather it be Gluttony.

   Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.

   I’ve often wondered what an atheist would do if he was stuck behind a car that wasn’t moving at a green light and had a bumper sticker on it that said "Honk if you love Jesus."

   My first class ticket to the weekend never arrived, so I went couch.

   Dear Brandon: First of all, you should know that I'm typing this with my middle finger..

   Help control the pet population, eat at a Chinese restaurant this weekend.

   Happy F@g Month, El Freakos.

   The three stages of life: Wanting stuff... Accumulating stuff... Getting rid of stuff.

   As a woman, it's part of my default settings to be right. Always.

   What's the odds I ever meet a Victoria's Secrets Angel? OK, don't answer that.

   Welcome to the epoch of divisiveness.

   Does any lady just out there just wanna get married just to say we did it!?!??