Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I hear they are running a special on Harambe and noodles at the local Cincinnati China Dragon!

   If you open your iPhone camera when it's reversed, and your own face scares and shames you, it's considered cardio.

   going to be eating chili from my supper bowl, during the super bowl.

   Wake up on a strangers couch...check...use GPS to find out where I am....check ....walk to eat alone....check....return Tyson's Tiger...

   Dear you who is reading this: "Okay, Now lets take a minute to look back! I meant look behind you. Okay now you can look at your screen." -sincerely crazy stalker

   I appreciate that Motel 6 will leave the light on for me, cuz otherwise, I'm certain I'd end-up decomposing in their water tank....

   no weed+no food=no sleep :/

   It's "Doppelbanger Week" on Facebook. Change your profile pic to naked pic of yourself and my partner will get back to you with an address.

   ATTENTION EVERYONE: I have an announcement to make. Santa just confirmed that I have been very good this year!

   I'm donating my body to science... fiction.

   A wise man washes his hands after he pees. A wiser man doesn't pee on his hands...

   Will Smith is the new Rick James..WHAT THE FINGERS SAY TO THE FACE ?..SLAP !

   After watching the Oscars, I now get why cops do what they do.

   So what you're saying is there won't actually be a remake of GI Jane?

   I have a friebd that is both gay and lactose intolerant, I call him the non dairy queen

   Call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.

   To everyone who wrote "Stay Cool" in my middle school yearbook, I have some devastating news.

   CNN+ didn't even last as long as a Kardashian marriage.

   If women had boobs on their back they would be more fun to dance with.

   Everybody gangsta til they have diarrhea and a broken zipper