Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Spice up your marriage by slamming doors sometimes when you’re not even angry.

   Marriage tip: When you're away from your wife for a night, ignore all of her phone calls. This will cause her to miss you more while you're gone so that she'll love you more when you're home.

   Some older ladies wear red hats and meet to have lunch.

   I improved upon the pizza cutter joke: I lost my pizza cutter so I tried to use an old Rod Stewart CD instead. It worked all right at first, but the plastic edge got dull right away. The first cut was the deepest.

   Put my phone in airplane mode and it immediately started showing pop up ads for duty free liquor.

   Face timing people vs seeing them in person during this virus thing is the same as eating pu$$y with a balloon on your tongue.

   “Say hello to my little friend” isn’t threatening. Why would someone be afraid of anyone with their “little friend” hanging out?

   My girlfriend says I spend far too much time on foreplay!...so I'd better pull my finger out!

   Being a sports store without Nike is like being a gas station without gas.

   Whose job was it to "Wake him up" before they lefy

   For the next Season of Survivor.... call my gun range shooting wife fat!

   It's hard to hit on someone when you're holding a bag of dog crap.

   The fastest way to end a perfect family moment is to try to take a picture of it

   *Sitting around camp fire* And when your phone rang, you had no idea who it was *kids get up and run away screaming*

   I've been asked to join the Mossad, they offer great pay and a chance to travel, but I have to get a "procedure" done first.

   After 7 kids I got a vasectomy... Happy Valentines day darling you don't have to get that hysterectomy

   repeatedly being hit on by fat butch lesbos a good thing?

   you are afraid of being judged because of a typo? What a loser. Your comment is worse than the typo.

   just dropped my new single. it's me, i'm single.

   The Patriots have been Decheated by Denver.