Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Me and the wife and been going back and forth on our future funeral plans.....My wife and I have different ideas on death. I want to be cremated when I die and she wants to cremate me now.

   I honestly think we are asking too much of cauliflower.

   Turns out adding glitter to your urine sample doesn’t add sparkle to the lab techs lives. It does, however, get you yelled at by your doctor.

   Stop letting your dogs piss on fire hydrants. Some of us use those for parkour.

   I respect the tenacity of the Jurassic theme park investors who won’t stop trying to crack the profit formula for making money on murder monsters who keep eating the customers.

   If vampires drink too much blood do they get a fangover

   Tornado season is here...In the event of a tornado, put some hotdogs in your pocket. That way the search dogs will find you first.

   Well I guess now we know why DJ Jazzy Jeff left .

   I just watched a guy at Walmart rip off a whole case of Red Bull. I don't know how he can sleep at night.

   In other news… Elon Musk is now going to also buy McDonald's so he can fix all the ice cream machines.

   Dear Santa: Either you give me what I want for Christmas or I'll turn Rudolph and Comet into a piece of deer jerky. Make it happen, fat man!

   Who called it a pillow fight and not attack with a bedly weapon?

   I was just on the Weight-Watchers website and it asked me if I would accept cookies. Is that a trick question?

   Spotted a house tonight with their Christmas lights already up in October and can only imagine that they work for Walmart.

   I'd rather see someone kneel for the flag, than deal with cIowns who are offended by jokes.

   How can folks find time to protest and work a job too? Oh yeah, Welfare.

   My husband and dog are a lot alike. They both want what I’m eating and get startled awake by their own stinky farts.

   Excuse me, waiter, there is a spy in my soup. It fell out of the balloon in the sky.

   My wife set an auto-reply to all my texts that just says “No.”

   It took a full year of homeschooling but I managed to teach my children how little I know.