Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Can’t believe we don’t have world peace after changing the name on pancake boxes and syrup bottles

   Sure, intimacy is great and all, but have you ever slept diagonally on a king size bed.

   I’m haunted by my grandmother saying “apple pie without cheese is like a kiss without copping a feel”

   Now that I’m in my 60’s, I suddenly find that I have a talent for breakdancing!. Every time I try to dance, I break something.

   When you think about it, Mariah Carey and Drew Carey don't even look like sister and brother.

   i think the word "divorce" should be hyphenated so the 2 halves of the word are separated

   Just joined Anonymous Anonymous. This time I'm serious about breaking my addiction to hacking government websites.

   I’m a vegetarian except for chicken, beef, pork, and fish products.

   If you’re reading this & I’m married to you… I’m locked out. Come let me in.

   If possums have taught me anything, it’s how to dramatically play dead when anyone comes over unannounced.

   It's not too late to start convincing our grandchildren that the world really did end in 2012 and we're the survivors.

   I put my symptoms into WebMD and found out I've started menopause.

   It’s like my dad always used to say, “Don’t go around acting like the Village idiot.”

   It’s okay to eat your driver’s license even if it’s been expired for a week.

   I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy watching him clean his golf clubs with the wire brush I use for my suede boots.

   No matter where you live, there’s always 1 light switch that doesn’t do anything...

   Dear LGBQTMSNBC freaks. This WOKE nonsense is over. Go seek help, or a hysterectomy. Whichever comes first.

   Halloween is like the lifeboats on the Titanic. It's for women and children.

   My neighbors act like they’ve never seen a grown man watering flowers in a speedo.

   I wonder how many boyfriends the QAnon Virgin Shaman has in prison so far?