Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My Korean co-worker was going to cook his wife a surprise birthday dinner today. But someone let the cat out of the bag.

   The two things a wife can do to make her husband happy are, pack her bags and leave.

   Ladies If your going to cut off all your hair and go bald just give us a warning. I'm sitting here wondering when did I add this dude on my profile page?

   I am not as worried about growing old as I am foundering myself on these Flathead Cherries

   The only bad thing about not caring if the toilet paper roll goes under or over is forgetting which way you put it on while taking a dump in the dark

   Sometimes when people come up in my chat on Facebook, I feel like Facebook is like "Go on. Open that pandoras box" LOL

   COLD? You haven't seen cold, until you've woke up next to my ex-wife! .. Fridged!

   COLD? You haven't seen cold, until you've woke up next to my ex-wife! .. Fridged!

   If nothing else, at least his persistence is funny.

   They lack empathy and guilt, and are egocentric and do not conform to social, moral and legal norms.

   If I hear the song call me maybe one more time i'm gonna go freaking INSANE.

   people from india shouldnt be selling hamburgers. I guess cows arent as sacred as the benjamins

   If I were found dead, the CSI's would check my wallet and find no money and assume it was murder and I was robbed. Good luck the investigation, my wallet never has money in it.

   so happy spring is finaly here.....i got so excited I nearly wet my plants!!!!!

   James Harden's head trying to hurt Metta World Peace by hitting him in the elbow was just uncalled for!

   "XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX"-Pierce Morgan

   You know you are playing too much scrabble when you try to use the cursor to change channels on the TV. I thought the darn batteries were used up.

   There are no masters or servants in the grave, just The Dead.

   My woman is basking in the glow of my majestic presence=My woman is enjoying the shade provided by my enormous belly.

   facebook is alot like that shi tty car you wanna get rid of because of all up keep and changing of parts but you keep it because it saves gas.