Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Swine Flu is back? Just when you think something is gone forever it comes back and makes people sick.. Just like Branden

   As long as you yell "DODGEBALL" you're allowed to throw anything at anyone at anytime.

   Realtors are legally required to tell you if the house ghosts are too judgy

   So, it turns out “hey, check out this rash” isn’t a great pick-up line.

   Please buy my new book: Losing weight while staying drunk.

   My anger management class pisses me off...

   Success is a little like wrestling a gorilla. You don’t quit when you’re tired. You quit when the gorilla is tired.

   I know SIX facts about you. 1.) You're on your phone or computer. 2.) You're reading this. 3.) You're still reading this. 5.) You didn't realize that I skipped #4. 7.) You're checking and now smiling. 8.) You didn't realize that I skipped #6.

   I eat twice as much meat just so that one vegan who thinks he is making a difference is making no difference at all.

   I'm so pumped for Trump University 2: University of Truth. Registration starts today!

   Maybe Will Smith thought Chris Rock was an alien?

   'We've all bet on a fart and lost' is the best example of the Human condition I ever heard

   I wish Santa would just dump 100ft of coal around Biden and Nancy Pelosi's house.

   Why a billionaire is asking for help to pay his legal expenses? you can't be that stupid right?

   Saw the fattest Dalmation ever on my way home from the supermarket yesterday. It was huge & had these teats that were almost touching the ground & it made a weird bark, like "moo"

   I hope people who wear their masks on their chin not covering their face at all just so they can say that they're wearing a mask know that they look like something their contraceptive fell off of.

   Yeah, I like the seasons too. That's why I live in a place that skips the nasty ones.

   .8/14 8:06pm Trump tweeted: Feels good to be home after 7 months. WHAT?

   I'm a wack a doodle teddy. I wack my doodle every time. While watching a porn girl with a big behind. That's how I spend my night time.

   I wish someone had a beef with me, maybe with BBQ sauce