Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Coworker invited me to lunch which is hilarious because I've never had a job in my life.

   I wish that talking ferret from my dream was real. He was a right laugh

   My gym is already closed, so I guess I have to drink the weight off tonight.

   so they wait till next year has officially begun

   I hope they have enough wall plugs in hell.

   I don't pave the way for anybody. I pave the way for my damn self.

   I am one lucky lady......I am told several times a day that I am sweet, divine, and tasty.... Thank you Candy Crush!

   It's not gay if you forgot your safe word.

   Just having a conversation with this squirrel about why human nuts are better..

   The hurricane Sandy is Not available in your country ! We are sorry for the inconvenience.

   I voted for Pedro because i'm tired of all this stupid Romney and Obama supporting jokes... retarded...

   People are insane psychiatric wards are nice really cool jackets that make you hug yourself and they tell you your special.

   if you use your x-box to workout, you realize your house smells like a$$, don't you??

   Felt I was deralict in my fatherly dutties...so I taught James the 'milk milk lemonadej childhood diddy....which he LOVED I might add.....

   3 Things I Learned Tonight: 1)It's not what you know, it's what you show. 2)If Swingers twice your age try to engage, just SLIDE away! 2.5) Especially if they mention "lube"...that's when you put on the BRAKES! 3) Samuel L Jackson is a DAMN good whistler!

   I love when my husband plays terrorist, he knocks down my walls

   You dumb ass!!! My intelligence is your common sense... Wait! What? 0_o

   so broke right now, he has been using used tissues as toilet paper...and sometimes vice versa.

   March isn't the only thing that comes in like a lion and goes out like a lamb.

   Here comes the New Pope! Popeye The Sailor!!!