Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If undercover boss came to my work I'd play stupid and give them the biggest sob story too and bank

   Don't trust people who speak too fast. Trust me on this.

   So like, this baby mosquito flew for the first time and when he got home his Mom said "How did it go?" and the baby mosquito said "Pretty good I guess. Everybody was clapping for me."

   Notice the subliminal message in the Wendy's commercial her necklace reads mom.

   I've kicked Stormy Daniels out of bed more times than I can remember.

   Ok browns fans, lets put the "laughter" back into "manslaughter"

   One Christmas eve, Santa was under a lot of stress. When an angel walk in with a tree and ask what he should do with the tree was how the tradition got started.

   So studies now show pot isn't as good for you as people thought. You can drop dead from smoking a Joint. Hell of a way to meet Bob Marley.

   With Valentine's Day just around the corner if you're secretly in love with me and would like a candlelit dinner with flowers and candy, it's to late shell out all that money, but talk to me talk on the 15th and maybe next year.

   Forced homeschooling has taught me I had way too many kids

   Nice catch peyton

   Of course she won the argument. She cried. - every guy ever

   [Job Interview] "Do you have any questions?" How do they get those tiny ships inside glass bottles? "I m..eant about the job" Oh, no I'm good

   I do not know what "high fives" are but I've become more and more proficient at blocking these overhead strikes you're trying to hit me with

   You can stick your marshmallow world and stick it up your marshmallow ass.

   I'm pretty sure I just saw a tube clip of Miley Cyrus online. I'm not talking about Youtube either.

   The way you're bashing your laptop keyboard is the way your life is going.

   I'm just looking for a respectable woman who'll put her thang down flip it then reverse it

   in a honeymoon stage with his tablet. The two of us were made for each other. It makes me laugh, makes me cry and the two of us don't play games with each other... unless you count Frogger.

   Ben Bernanke has a wanke and the whole world smiles!