Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Oh certainly! That could well explain thousand innocent lives taken by U̶S̶..North Korea

   If at first you don't succeed, then you ain't me mot her fu cker.

   "North Korea... I promise you boo boo, we will smack the sh*t out you" - Kevin Hart voice

   A New York animal shelter is seeking donations of Viagra to treat a pit bull. I'm thinking that this is going to be one of the most frightning animals on the planet.

   wants you to tell your feet to stop running you through my mind

   Anybody can be a mother...and too many have no kids...and aren't women...so I wish you a Happy Mommy's Day!

   blames Al and Tippers divorce on all of those hung Chads...

   found an alien, gave it some roofies, now I'm gonna probe it then stick back where I found it! Maybe it'll tell stories of being abducted!

   That moment when your smoking and the smoke gets in your eyes and makes then water : /

   You could date someone willing to catch a grenade for you I guess that’s cool but how about someone who always carries a tennis racket, wouldn’t that be a bit smarter?

   Might name my kid puberty, so everyone can hit puberty

   In other news, Paula Deen has come forward with the statement in regards to the DI heard Paula Deen said she's "real excited for the fags, especially the colored ones."DOMA ruling: "real excited for the fags, especially the colored ones."

   I found something hard in my vegetable soup last night......It was only the wheelchair

   Whenever a bird sh*ts on my car, I eat a plate full of scrambled eggs on my front porch just to send out a warning of what I'm capable of!!!

   I sleep with a gun under my bed, in case someone breaks in and decides to throw clay pigeons into the air.

   has a camera, a wire coathanger and some baby oil and is bored so might try doing a colonoscopy on himself

   chuck you farley, you ain't so mucking futch, your whole fam damily can go in your own jack yard and back off!

   If our body temperature is normally 98.6 degrees, how come when it's 98 degrees outside, no one is comfortable?

   You can always count on me to bring my famous recipe of “bag of ice” to your summer cookout.

   “If your parents never had children, chances are… neither will you.”