Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Cigarette warning: Governments are bad for your health...

   Don't stab people in the back...Stab em in the front!!!

   If god told me tigers and lions didn't eat humans.........I probably would have one by now

   these neighbors shooting their guns off, you'd think a lot of people just died in The Hunger Games cause the gun sounds kinda like the cannon sound in the movie

   Your forehead is so big I bet when you dream, you dream movies.

   Can you believe it?? A cop just pulled me over for texting!! I let him off with a warning.

   As is the below me

   If Cheetos made beer, I'd drink that $hit!!

   Getting high on life has never helped me get a handjob in a toilet stall.

   Women must hate dying because all ghosts have to dress in the same white outfit. Even the ones they hate.

   "Insecure ass women cant accept any guybeing more successful than they are andanger is the shield..."

   I have eggs in a carton in the back of the frig. I think they've been there for months. They now may be an I.E.D. I don't know what to do. Advise please, OVER?

   Hot girls TBT are from last year. Fat girls TBT are from the last decade.

   I have a feeling that if I were _______ my wife would play with my pen1s a lot more...

   This Herbal Essences body spray isn't working like I had hoped.

   There was an explosion in the Men's room where I work. I'm fine but they will have to replace the toilet I was sitting on.

   Would never do the postcode lottery because you share with neighbours !!! There's no way on this fkin Earth would I shar

   Whenever an action movie hero is like "I know someone who can help us, guy owes me a favor" it means he let that guy suck his weenie.

   Well if I was going to get a disease, getting legionnaires disease sounds like I should have a handle bar mustache and monocle while drinking scotch.

   My safeword is Pineapple