Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Don't worry ladies - I wear condoms on my fingers when I upd@te my st@tus so you won't get pregnant.

   roses are red and violets are blue my fat doesnt hang down to my crotch how about you

   Just because you're a Navy SEAL doesn't make your sister pretty.

   COFFEE: The original first responder.

   I’m at the age where I have to stop myself from roundhouse kicking someone who says they’re soooo old when they turn 40.

   When I see a guy wearing a man bun and a mask, walking into a store. I like to hold the door open, establish dominance.

   If a woman marries a man who already has grandchilden, does that make her an Instagram?

   Who wants to go pull on some push doors with me??

   The check engine light came on inside my oven.

   commercial: get one diamond for your best friend, and one for your true love me: why would my dog want a diamond

   Seriously!! Who sucked The Pope.

   Me to the hotel check-in guy at Motel 6: “My wife worked a 12-hour day and all I did was ask what was for dinner”

   If it wasn't for online porn I couldn't spell amateur.

   Sure hope no one has high expectations of me today.

   Everyone criticizes the Salem Witch Trials, but we haven’t had a witch attack in over 300 years.

   I think Amazon is missing a big opportunity to get into the paint industry. They could make big bucks selling Amazon Primer.

   Makin all the ladies drop they panties I brag, pulling the fire alarm at Victoria’s Secret.

   Getting tired of the phrase “too bad” so from now on I’m saying that’s 'cactuses and if you don’t like it, well that’s cactuses

   If adult diapers are called Depends, then baby diapers should be called Definitely.

   20s: break dances in bar with traffic cone on head 30s: tries to walk in heels without breaking ankle 40s: yawns too hard and breaks rib