Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Relationships should come with an icon that shows you how much time you have left like your phone’s battery.

   Why would I ever pay to go to a NASCAR event when I could get drunk beside the interstate and cheer for cars for free?

   Does anybody know how can I send an enemy request on Facebook?

   Stevie Wonder's housekeepers probably don't do a damn thing all day long.

   I hate when I'm admiring my good looks from a car's window reflection and the people inside think I'm staring at them.

   Fact: Ten out of ten people die. Don't take life too seriously.

   If you rearrange the letters in North West, it spells Bad Parents.

   The key to a long and good relationship is to keep the fights clean, and the sex dirty!!!

   I sleep less, I'm tired. I sleep more, I'm tired. Life is impossible.

   For all of those that think alcohol is a problem... according to Chemistry: Alcohol is a solution. Thanks science!

   I've never been held hostage but I've been on a group text.

   Just tried to pay for my McDonalds with a hug, it didn't work. Don't believe the Rumors.

   What rhymes with Cupid?

   “I ran a half marathon” sounds so much better than “I quit halfway through a marathon”.

   My 30 year kindergarten reunion is coming up soon and I'm worried about the 150 lbs. I've gained.

   The good thing about Facebook is if someone gets on your nerves enough, you can make them cease to exist in your world and you don't even have to hide a body.

   I went to Walmart in my pajamas and came out married to my cousin.

   My car is so old the high beam switch is on the floor...

   A Rod's attorney just accused MLB of causing an unsafe playing environment. He might be right since the playoffs present A Rod with a choking hazard.

   Actions speak louder than passive aggressive Facebook statuses