Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   does things the Chicago way - He pulls a knife, you pull a gun. He sends one of yours to the hospital, you send one of his to the morgue!

   Finally brings some authenticity to his movie, Dead Poets Society don't ya think?

   Got kicked out of a museum today for bringing a painting to the front and asking, “how much is this one?” It’s like they don’t want any help during a pandemic.

   I am going to change the name of my ipod to "The Ship." That way when I plug it into the computer, it says, "The Ship is syncing."

   you gotta kiss a lot of frogs before you find one that’s a good kisser

   I send women a picture of my medicine cabinet so they know Exactly what they are getting into 😛

   I told my boss today I wanted to take some mental health leave but I was all out. He said "You're all out of leave?" I said "No, I'm all out of mental health."

   Number one Pick Up Line for 2022: “I have a full tank of gas.”

   Million Dollar Idea: Take the flood waters from the northeast and dump them on the fires in the west.

   This is a literal cry baby site.

   Serious fight has started in Olympics .... as a brazilian girl found her missing hair on a Nigerian Lady

   Whenever I return a book to the library,,, I leave a bookmark on the last page & yell "SORRY, I DIDN'T HAVE TIME TO REWIND IT!" then run away..

   Just had a dream in 3D! You think that was cool?! Damn that was one freaky dream!

   there is nothing worse than a woman coming up with a nickname for your junk, getting confused and calling it Dad.

   This year I'm giving my girl the best Christmas gift ever. Anybody got any tips on how to wrap your b@lls?

   So I order the Country ham omelet. It was disgusting to say the least. I asked where they get it. She goes, "Yemen."

   The IRS is in trouble for using $60,000 of taxpayer money to produce training video spoofs of "Star Trek" and "Gilligan's Island". I find that, "HIGHLY ILLOGICAL...." (Spock's voice) "....SKIPPPPEEERRRRR!!!!!" (Gilligan's voice)

   Sitting on the couch eating graham crackers and just remembered I forgot to flush the toilet upstairs.

   If I die in a bar, please drag my body to the nearest church before reporting my death.

   Oops…last night this questionable girl asked me to go down on her but her offer seemed a little fishy…