Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   HEY amerikanski, if your country is so good why you still in Iraq and fat?

   "Women close their eyes during sëx because they can't stand to see" a two-faced man.

   How I see dogs: Beagle, German Shepherd, Chihuahua, Pekingese, Poodle, Pug. How I see cats: Cat, cat, cat, cat, cat.

   Don't trust real doctors? You think their purpose in life is to fool the whole world? Then ask your local feed store if Ivenmectin is right for you.

   Does anyone know if we can take showers yet? Or should we just keep washing our hands

   I’ve started giving camouflage sweatshirts as parting gifts when I break up with people. “I don’t want to see you anymore,” I whisper.

   What if instead of meth you made the powerpuff girls?

   Covid vaccine now FDA approved. You can shut your pie hole now and get the jab. Oh, you won't? You were lying? Shocker.

   Forgive and forget? What do I look like? Jesus with Alzheimer's?

   Humpty Dumpty had a great fall. He also had a pretty cool winter but his summer wasn't that hot.

   The phrase "hooray for our side" was coin by men who watched lady Godiva ride her horse side saddle.

   In the New Year, I resolve to be more resolute in making revolutionary resolutions.

   I should know better than to swear at the TV. It's the microwave that's listening.

   My parents were very inspirational, they used to say: “You can do whatever you want in life, as long as you don’t do it here.”

   So walking dead was just a tutorial to survive the Trump presidency.

   What would a chair look like if your knees bent the other way?

   I celebrate Hanukkah instead it's much more chill and we don't have any silly stuff

   They say you never know what you have till you lose it, You promise your girl something you better do it, You can't tell a woman you love her are you stupid, Words don't express you love you got to prove it

   Keep it up and Santa's going to stick a candy caine where the sun don't shine.3 hours ago clear

   Well, well, well, Trump is siding with Putin once again. Lovers in a dangerous time.