Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I forgot what cinco de mayo was about. It was when a ship full of mayonnaise sunk off the mexican coast right?

   WTF...It should be illegally for a woman to have a nice ass body with a Not so nice face... Its like when GOD was creating her he thought too himself, "You know what would be real funny...." #Mr.Brown

   3 grand for a jacuzzi eff that give me some beans and some bathwater and i'll make one for a dollar

   Do white women really not know that their hair is in their mouth?

   Sorry about that - Today I went to the post office to mail 20 letters... so I bought 20 stamps...and the clerk just handed them to me. So I said "Am I supposed to stick all these on myself?"...and she said "No. Stick them on the envelopes.."

   Why do they make it so hard to dig the candy out of trail mix?

   Hello 911?,,, I need to report a kidnapping....yeah, there's a baby goat asleep in my lap,,. No, don't send cops,, you'll wake him up

   Women with facial hair, can y'all please stop buying all the freakin Schick razor blades!!! Those are not MADE FOR Y'ALL!!!!   

   The police came by to tell me that my dogs have been chasing people on bicycles. I said, “My dogs don’t even own bicycles!”

   Kanye West is bankrupt and wants to run for President in 2020, he'll a better candidate than Trump is with four bankruptcies.

   There is not another human being on the planet, whose death will cause more celebration, than Donald Trump. When he drops dead, the planet will cheer in unison. Because he is human garbage.

   Today I learned you can use disposable masks to brew Espresso. That’s because they’re Coughy filters.

   Cant' wait for the Bidens sentencing day.

   Remember, you can always count on me to bring my famous recipe of, "bag of ice” to your summer cookout.

   I want an olive garden waiter shredding cheese over my corpse at my funeral and nobody say when

   If you play a Nickelback CD backwards you hear Ozzy laughing his arse off because you bought a Nickelback CD.

   With all the controversy surrounding public restrooms, I am now identifying myself as 'waiting til I get my arse home'

   Life tip: if someone comes out of a bathroom sweating, do not go in that bathroom.

   Overheard: “Why is this guy listening to our conversation?”

   A group of guys with ponytails is called a flock of Steven Seagulls