Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I went to Hy-Vee where there is supposed to be a helpful smile in every isle. False advertising. I had to walk down 5 isles to get help!!

   Being good at spelling is like knowing how to draw a really cool dragon. Unless you are a tattoo artist, no one cares. Skin doesn't auto correct!

   If they call you weird, what they're really saying is..You are a rare beauty and I wish you were mine.

   Maybe one side of the V-shape is longer than the other because geese have retards too in their flock.

   i still don't understand how coffee dehydrates you when it's madewith

   Baby you a song, you make me wanna roll my windows down.......and puke!

   Due to the sensitivity of some people on Faceboo, here is a list of uncomfortable subjects will not joke about:................................................................................................................................ Still here?

   Got up early this morning, and fertilized the yard. My neighbor still won't look me in the eye.

   My favorite bible verse is Lunch 12:45

   If I had to describe myself in one word it would be “doesn’t know how to follow directions.”

   You can lead a horse to water but you can't make him freeze it in a large block and then carve a swan out of it.

   That old pervert is gone

   There is no I in TEAM. But if you rearrange the letters there is a ME.

   Believe it or not. Gerge isn't at home.

   this monkeys wings aren't real!!! That guy screwed me, these aren't flying monkeys at all!!!!

   must save their Midevil babes from the evil "robot-us'es" and win the Battle of the Bands. The future of the world depends on it!

   a 77 year old Miami man dies of hypothermia for the first time ever. UPDATE: 1 million senior citizens piled up on rafts floating to Cuba .

   Elementary math problems are 2 sided, "If I had 10 chocolate bars and I ate 9 of them, what would I have now?'" Oh, I don't know.. 1 big belly ache?!."

   Ladies marry the guy who comes to drop you all the way to your house in his PETROL car with the AC on

   Relationships must be chosen wisely. It's better to be alone than to be in bad company. If something is meant to be, it will happen – in the right time, with the right person, and for the best reason.'Fall in love when you're ready,not when you're