Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Current anxiety level: kindergartner who can’t unbutton his pants

   Anyone know how to get a club soda stain out?

   American Police Force giving ISIS a run for its money in the brutality department.

   3200 BC: Man invents written language and abandons hieroglyphics 2023 AD: Man abandons written language in favor of memes

   Can you catch Covid-19 from someone's fart? I'm in an elevator and we're all dying from someone's flatulence in here...Ugh!

   The corconavirus was originally gonna invade the USA but ChucK Norris kicked kicked so hard it landed in Chinaso hard

   i hear "this generation never puts down their phones" a lot and i'm pretty sure it's because most of them are filming a cop shoot somebody

   When ur wife keeps her head on ur chest N slowly asks, "Dear, do you have any women in ur life other than me"? Remember ur answer is not important at this time, what is important is ur heartbeat. Keep calm n breathe easy. It's A biometic test

   What did a Hillary supporter say to a Trump supporter on Thanksgiving ? - Happy Thanksgiving America ! from a Canada :)

   The President's old Ferrari sold at auction for $270,000. It would've sold for more but it had some pre-existing conditions.

   Any girls that are jealous they can't get in on this, "Me too" craze sweeping Social media today, hmu. I think I can help you out

   Me: So I told him he could probably get a whole fist up there if he used enough lube. She: Here's your library card ma'am.

   Don't know who's happier, the gay community or the ABA

   In the movie "No Escape". The whites are saved by the Vietnamese. Karma beeyach

   YES!!!!!!!!!!!!.....................................................oh sorry, I was just repeating what I heard last night.

   I will follow anybody that's going to the liquor store.

   Girl, this is gonna be an amazing night *bookcase rotates to reveal wall of wrestling DVDs* Ok, so which WrestleManias have you not seen

   Someone said to me "I can never think of anything important or interesting to say on Facebook." I told them not to worry"

   Fighting between men lasts around 4 to 5 minutes. Fighting between women lasts a lifetime.

   I'm going to have to lose 10 pounds if I want to fit into this coffin I bought.